If you’re currently struggling to make a monumental choice in your life, such as whether to take the plunge and move in with your partner or accept that enticing job offer, congratulations! You already made your first big decision by clicking on this story. No matter the area of your life that needs resolution, decision making is usually not easy.
“We’re not really taught how to make decisions,” explains decision coach Nell Wulfhart. “Nobody ever makes a point of helping us get better at making decisions. I’m a big fan of habit building, and making decisions quickly is just a habit that you can build.”
From where to vacation to whom to invite to your wedding, life is filled with a spectrum of situations as our individual worlds widen. Collectively, it can feel like we’re facing more choices than ever before in our lives. “We are overwhelmed with various opportunities,” affirms Bonnie Wooten, a decision coach at London Health Sciences Centre. “The more that we grow and learn, the more options we have.”
Making difficult decisions isn’t about sitting around trying to predict every last detail of each outcome. It should be about getting to the bottom of what we think will bring us the most happiness, having the courage to act on that, and learning how to pivot. “Most people are constantly hovering around decisions,” Wulfhart says. “We waste so much time.”
Taking a leap toward what you want can be rewarding. If decision making is a challenge for you, reframe it as simply figuring out what you truly desire. “Any kind of pros-and-cons list is not going to have any effect,” Wulfhart says. “People generally do what they want to do anyway. If you can figure that out faster, that’s going to make your life better. Putting off the decision is just putting off the good part.” Here is how the experts suggest making those tough calls.
Describe it
At the top of every coaching session, Wulfhart instructs clients to tell her the choice they are facing in as few words as possible. “The reason I ask people to put it into a single sentence is because it’s hard to do,” she explains. “You really have to identify the decision you’re making.” The crystal-clear language can provide clarity, and hearing it outside of your head can also make the choice feel less overwhelming.
At the same time, lay out your options as specifically as possible. “Should I leave my job?” lacks guidelines and has vague outcomes, while “Should I leave my current job to start a new business or become a stay-at-home parent?” provides more structure in a conclusion-drawing process. “Making sure the decision is as clear as you can possibly make it,” Wulfhart adds, “is a great place to start.”
What you want will often show up in your description of the situation. If done earnestly, you can see slivers of your own inclinations. “You’re just trying to figure out what you want,” Wulfhart says. “Most of the time, doing what you want is the right thing.”
Record yourself
Debating your decision with a trusted friend, partner, colleague, or family member can be helpful, but there’s a fine line, especially if they are risk averse or operate differently than you.
“All of those people,” Wulfhart says, “no matter how well intentioned they are, have a tiny bit of bias.” Wulfhart suggests instead recording yourself talking through your thoughts or feelings, then listening back. “Pay attention,” Wulfhart suggests, “to the language that you are using.”
Be judicious
Speaking with a neutral third party with no preconceived notions about you or your situation can also help serve your decision. “Choose someone who’s objective that’s not part of your life,” Wooten says, “where it doesn’t matter to them what decision you make.”
If you choose to ask your loved ones for their opinions, pick no more than three or four people, or try speaking with people who are happy in their own lives or positions. You may consider putting those who aren’t a factor in your decision on what Wulfhart calls an “information diet.”
When you include less people while you weigh your outcomes, you limit the chance of unsought input, emotional investment, and their ability to change your mind. Figure out what you want first, then announce it. Remember, this is your life — and you’re the decider.
Identify values
Whether you cherish autonomy, creative fulfillment, community, financial independence, recognition, or even getting to sleep in until lunch on weekdays, make your own list of what matters to you to help guide your choice. “There can be a lot of complexity in making a decision,” Wooten says. “You have to stop and do some self-reflection along the way.”
Making a decision unaligned with your values can lead to unhappiness. If you’re a relationship-oriented person choosing between an apartment building that has less space but is closer to your friends or an apartment that has lots of space but is far from everyone you love, for example, you may be most fulfilled opting for what is most in line with your values.
While the list doesn’t need to be permanent and can be changed throughout your life, it’s a starting point to bring you the most joy and meaning right now. “When you have this list,” Wulfhart says, “you can use it to make almost any decision.” Having it handy — even for smaller decisions — can pave the way to quicker and more fulfilling choices in line with who you are and what you want.
Make it quick
While every scenario is different, it’s almost always better to make the decision closer to when it’s presented to you rather than later on. “More times than not,” Wulfhart says, “people lose more by taking too long to make a decision than making a bad decision by not taking enough time to make a decision.”
It’s crucial to step back and focus on the big issue at hand, then act. “When we think about a decision for a long period of time, we end up making a pros-and-cons list either in our heads or on paper,” Wulfhart notes. “The longer we think about them, the more we load them up with extra details.”
When you reach the point of debating the small stuff, that’s how you know you’re beginning to overthink it. Trust your first few points of healthy contention and comparison, and don’t waste precious brain space, time, and energy by letting your process drag on for too long.
Look to the future
Wulfhart wants you to envision what your ideal life would look like in one, five, and 10 years. Then, write your potential decision on a piece of paper, and brainstorm where it could lead you at each of these time increments. “I really encourage people, when they’re faced with two choices, to zoom out and look at the next few years,” she says.
Does your imagined future come into focus based on this decision? Wulfhart encourages you to ask yourself: “Which of these choices are going to get you there faster?” Looking at the long term can help make the immediate decision in front of you easier and give your future self the best possible outcome.
Own it
Remember that if the outcome isn’t what you’d hoped, it doesn’t mean your life is over. “If there’s something I wish I could hammer home to people,” Wulfhart says, “it’s that with most decisions, you can change your mind and do something else. The worst-case scenario is probably not that bad.”
Mia Brabham is a staff writer at Shondaland. Follow her on Twitter at @hotmessmia.
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