Want to listen to this week’s edition of Ultra Successful? Click here or scroll to the bottom of the post to tune in. “I look around, and I know that I am supposed to fit in with these events, but I don’t see myself the way everyone in this room sees me - sometimes you have to be who they want you to be.” That’s a guy who built a company to almost half a billion dollars. It would surprise you how often I have heard this sentiment. People who have “made it” in society’s eyes and who have achieved incredible things…but really have not connected with it being who they are. They often feel uncomfortable around people with similar levels of success and can even have moments where they want to avoid places where they shouldn’t have any hesitation. The achievement, the position they’re in, and the lives they live still haven’t really set in. It’s new. It’s a very common experience. They don’t always feel like they quite belong, but they keep stepping up and making it happen. They keep making their way into larger rooms over the course of their career. Stepping into new shoes they’ve created for themselves. It’s odd to straddle two worlds inside of us as we rise. While some can separate it out and keep moving forward to become builders - like the man above - for others, it holds them back. We all carry a view of ourselves that sometimes doesn’t match the way the rest of the world sees us, but why does this happen, how can we use it, and what are the real risks of holding onto versions of ourselves that don’t match who we are…or who we aspire to be? You have to button up your shirt, step outside your comfort zone, and play a new game. Over and over again, in the course of your career. The rooms you need to step into will often not be familiar - but rising above who you once were or where you come from is really how even those with the most both begin to rise, and keep rising. The rooms don’t start feeling familiar for a while even when you’ve clearly earned your seat - because you keep changing levels. You’ve got to keep being uncomfortable, and shifting in your seat. Entering…and often commanding in rooms your life did not prepare you for. Here is how some people stay grounded, how to think about it, and how to be sure you are always moving forward. We Build Our Own BoxesEveryone loves the familiar - it feels like “home.” The thing we don’t often realize is that “home” carries a lot more than the foods we love, the place we live, or the relationships we have with family…it often dictates our sense of self and how we think about the world around us. While there should be comfort in the places we come from, as we rise, you’ll have to navigate a very different relationship to them. You want to do big things? You’ll often have to think bigger than where you’re from, make decisions others wouldn’t and do things that people from your area “just don’t do.” It will be unfamiliar, and you’ll have to navigate a new landscape while trying to hold onto your roots. Initially, it won’t always feel like “you.” You have to become a new thing while holding on to the lessons of the old, but people don’t always do that well:
The best find a way to integrate them both. They find a way to be who they need to be and see themselves as ready to capitalize on the moment that will get them where they need to go. They start getting into rooms that life did not prepare them for. They take a deep breath and keep doing it…over and over again. The problem for most people - even many who are on the way up? They will see themselves as the same person they’ve always been, regardless of the evolution they’ve undergone. So en route to becoming an executive in the c-suite, an entrepreneur who wins the day, or a founder…you don’t see the change of self, you only see the change of experiences. This is absolutely essential to parse out, so I want to make it visual and clear. Whoever you are, let’s take a moment and actually map it out, and look at the nature of professional evolution - it’s not just your experiences that evolve - but your own mindset. The thing to walk away with - whether you have had one job or ten - is that not only did the job change, but you did. You made mental notes, and you evolved both what you did and how you thought about yourself, your work, your future, and your life. Sometimes we think of ourselves as the same no matter our jobs or our lives, but you are not static. Others will sometimes want to tether you in this way too. They’ll remind you of who you used to be or tell you “not to forget where you come from.” It’s true, you don’t want to forget where you come from, but it does not mean that you are the same person who walked into different rooms - you learned from them. The jobs and even life was changing, but you were changing too. The 3 QuestionsJust because someone reaches a certain level of success doesn’t mean they always assume their place in it instantly like others might imagine…but they keep stepping into new places - willing to evolve and rise to the occasion. The most dangerous area is when people are “on the rise” but still attached to the past in ways that hold them back. They get stuck in the mindsets they may have been surrounded by at one point in life and remain there. Don’t let that be you. No matter what your position, there are mindsets I’ve seen impact people in some impressively high seats. Little sticking points. Hesitations. Things that still remain with them at times, that keep them from their own “next level operation,” and that may be holding you back too. There are three questions to ask yourself that can really determine how you move ahead with power, and not get caught in the sticking points, no matter where you’re from: 1. What do you need to unlearn?There are phenomenal takeaways and great values rooted in your past - work ethic, integrity, or mindsets - that form a strong foundation for who you are and help you in your course ahead. However, there are likely mindsets that you have also worked against and had to unlearn. These are the things that a lot of people can get stuck in, that are from a similar place in where they’re from. Common examples can be mindsets like:
I’m stabbing in the dark here, but you probably know the mindsets from your past that you want to keep…and the mindsets that you don’t want to bring along. There might be sticking points here you still want or need to unlearn. All of these impact your trajectory forward. Pay attention to them. An example of how some of these mindsets can impact action? If where you are from carries the value of stability over all else, you might never take the leap in your career - or really push your business into a new area, try new products, or integrate new ventures. You might not launch that side project or build something yourself. You might strap yourself to staying small or staying the same. These are things you’ll need to unlearn if you really want to expand. You can’t carry these sorts of deep beliefs and *also* continue pushing at the rate you may want to…and many people don’t see the influence of these factors until it’s too late. Identify them early to combat them early. 2. Where is the cord?How do you relate to where you’re from? You’ve got to form a new way of thinking about this that pushes you forward but doesn’t run from it or ignore it. How do you stay attached to the place you are from, and the people in it…without being tied down, tethered by it, or reduced in what you feel you can do? The places you will need to be in, and belong in, will often be far different - and the challenge will be to keep evolving, without losing the things that have built you. Being able to stand firm, bring yourself to the table, and work a room. Those rooms will keep changing, and not even feel like “you” for a while. Even when you’ve had some incredible achievements…but if you trust the process and lean into it, they become more natural over time. If you are not stuck in one place, and are always evolving… this is an incredible advantage over others. They get halted, intimidated, overwhelmed, and drop out. You don’t have to. The rule: How you think about where you come from should always be additive in your sense of self, not reductive. If it is taking from you, holding you back, or tying you down…you need to reevaluate it. Remember from “Use it All” - everything can be fuel, even when it doesn’t always look like it on the surface. You want to establish a healthy cord to where you come from - whether that’s wealth, poverty, struggle, or ease - and remember that while this place should help build and inform you, it isn’t who you are today. Who you are today can be filled with chutzpah, built by their roots, and owning their space as they rise. Identify the good things, the things that contribute to you, the things you want to keep - and attach the cord in those places. Let yourself be proud of your work ethic, and find how you relate to your roots in ways that helped build the strength and power you have today…without holding onto the things that make you feel “less than” or small. I’d encourage you to know where you stand, how you relate to it, and define it…so that you know deliberately what you are bringing with you on this journey, no matter where you are in your career. The best do not shy away from where they come from or the experiences they’ve had - but they clearly know its place in their life as they keep building forward. 3) What are the rooms you belong in?I want you to take a moment, and look around: Who are you today? You likely have a job you do, things you own, and an income or position in life. You are this person today and now - it can be where you stop, it can be your starting point, or it can be one mile marker on the path ahead. A lot of people tell themselves stories about who they are, where they’re from, what they’re worth, and where they belong…and those stories can hold them back, or push them forward. If you do it right, you are always evolving - you don’t always feel comfortable shifting levels as you enter new rooms…whether new jobs, new types of meetings, negotiating new deals, or in a new space - and that’s normal, but you do it anyway. Evolving and being in new rooms is just part of the continued scale onward…whether you run a company worth half a billion or are just starting out. You’ll learn the landscape, you’ll master it, and it will be just another period in time. There are always bigger rooms, new territory, and you step up because you know it’s a new stepping stone and necessary for your own growth and expansion. If you are just starting out, and reading this newsletter? I can assure you that you’ll start to figure out where you belong and where you don’t, and the old spaces where you used to fit in will look a lot less appealing and feel…wrong. For a while this can also leave you feeling like you’re stuck in limbo. You don’t fit in with the old, yet you don’t fit in with the new version of yourself that you are aspiring to be. This will lead some people to revert back to old spaces, while others will just duck out of them entirely. Hang in there, and just keep going. For those of you who are veterans in moving into new rooms. I’d challenge you to think even bigger - it might have been a while since you’ve been into some new rooms, and maybe you haven’t been a little uncomfortable for far too long. Bigger rooms bring motion in ways that are hard to quantify, and you likely know this. If you are growing, you need to keep evolving too. You likely aren’t “done.” Overall, the stories we carry about who we are can hold you back in little ways, big ways, or just stick with you in ways that can make you feel less secure at that party or like you don’t belong at that event…and even this, could prevent you from networking and making some of the greatest friends and career contacts of your life. These internal standards and beliefs are the things that will determine what you go for, what you shy away from, and what you put up with…personally, and professionally. It helps you set your own bar in various ways that shows itself differently in different people. Where You BelongNo matter where you’re from or what your background is, you are distinct and different. Read that again if you need to. You’re an individual who has built yourself, no matter your age or position - always finding your way forward. Making moves that your parents might have never made, and your family might not even understand. You may be just starting out and people have no idea *why* you would ever choose what you do, or at a very high level with people who don’t understand why you don’t just retire. But this is your life. Every person carries residues of where they come from that inform how they think about themselves and the things they undertake. These messages can make you hesitant - or you can unlearn, rethink and challenge them to decide what you carry, what you drop, and who you will become in this world. This world is not predetermined for you - it is yours to define. Where you truly belong? Anywhere you want to be. This week, I’m going to ask you to do the worksheet below, see your career & personal evolution, and answer the 3 questions yourself. (Click here for a printable version of the worksheet). After completing that worksheet, here’s what you need to consider:
At the end of the day, we all build our boxes or we break free from them. If you have a legacy you want to build - for your family, yourself, or generations to come - it’s time to start untethering from old mindsets, and understand your power, as you create your own way of operating. You belong at whatever party you decide to attend…and while you might have to take a deep breath for your first few rounds at a new table, don’t allow anything or anyone to limit what you can do. Voiceover
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