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A lot of us think about our therapists even after our sessions are over. There’s the fascination with whether they like us (or if we could even actually be friends). There are the stories that we concoct about their personal lives. And, especially this year, once we pour our emotions out to them in session, we think about how they’re doing—and wonder if they’re really okay.
I have the luxury of being on both sides of this as I am a psychiatrist who sees a therapist myself. On the one hand, I wonder regularly how my therapist is managing the added caseload of the pandemic and the reality of going through the same stressors herself at the same time her clients do. On the other hand, just the other day, one of my college-age patients said to me, ever so kindly, “I like to imagine your job as listening to just a bunch of versions of me in a room, and I can’t imagine how you cope with it every day. I couldn’t.”
After we both laughed, picturing the idea he had of my job in his mind, my patient then asked me something a lot of people—friends, dates, and strangers who learn what I do for living—have asked me before: how do I cope with it all?
My answer is usually that I have a therapist who helps me process, which honestly is the most common way so many of us decompress after a hard week, like a support train just keeping all therapists moving forward. But not everyone can find or afford a therapist, and even if we’ve lucked into weekly appointments with great therapists, there are still six other days in the week to survive—and to self-soothe. So I asked a few mental health providers for the other techniques they use to cope with their jobs. You might not spend your workdays listening to the same kinds of conversations they do, but my hope is that you’ll find value in practicing the coping skills these professionals are not just preaching, but doing themselves.
1. Fill your own cup first in the morning (literally and/or figuratively).
Jessica Gaddy Brown, LICSW, who is CEO of Nia Noire Therapy+Wellness, explains that even as a therapist, she had to experiment with coping mechanisms just like anyone else to figure out what works for her. She realized that coping, for her, starts before work even begins. “Prioritizing pouring into my own cup as the first action of my day affords me the capacity to show up for others,” she tells SELF. “I am very intentional about making a warm cup of tea every morning as the first action of the day. The process of warming water, frothing the matcha, and quietly enjoying my tea as I set my daily intentions, express gratitude, and recite affirmations has become a regular ritual.”
You can put whatever spin on this you like. Maybe your ideal morning routine involves a sweaty workout session or some journaling. Maybe in between getting ready for work and looking after your kids, you can only squeeze in a few moments to focus on gratitude each a.m. That’s fine! The goal is to find some way to center yourself in the mornings before you begin your day.
2. Find a playful yet soothing hobby.
Finding a hobby or something outside of work to focus on can, of course, be decompressing, but sometimes it helps to think beyond the obvious options. For Zheala Qayyum, M.D., MMSc, a child and adolescent psychiatrist in Boston, it was rediscovering the concept of play. For instance, she draws when she watches TV and has resumed building with Legos. “It helps me feel unstuck and realize I can make something from scratch when I feel I’m not accomplishing much in other domains,” she tells SELF. “As a child psychiatrist, when I take my Lego creation to add to my office collection, it does fill me with pride to surround myself with things I’ve built, painted, and created.”
3. Try to keep a schedule with hard start and stop times.
It’s far too easy to keep working late into the evening when work is home and home is work. This is particularly true for therapists who have shifted many services to telehealth.
Benjamin F. Miller, Psy.D., chief strategy officer of the Well Being Trust, explains that it has been critically important for him to have a clear start and stop to the workday, especially now. To help him do this, he closes his laptop and makes himself do another activity, ideally not giving himself a chance to do more work that night. Brown actually delineates a separate workspace in her home that she can “leave” at the end of day, even keeping her laptop in that room as well. Along those same lines, Brown also has dedicated blocks in her schedule not just for work and family, but also for self-care.
4. Practice the opposite emotion of what you’re feeling.
When Kathryn Gordon, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and the author of The Suicidal Thoughts Workbook, feels stressed, she often uses a skill from dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) that involves identifying an emotion you want to change and intentionally choosing an activity that is the opposite of that emotion. “If I feel sad and want to feel happier, I'll watch stand-up comedy or call a friend who makes me laugh,” she explains. “If I feel insecure and feel like disconnecting from people, I try activities that build my confidence, such as sharing my vulnerabilities with others or doing activities that I enjoy.”
5. Get better at saying no—especially when it means saying yes to something more fulfilling.
One of the hardest things about sticking to a schedule is actually saying no to others. Ginger Nicol, M.D. associate professor of child and adolescent psychiatry at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis, explains that she’s felt more guilt than usual about saying no to protect her own physical and mental health during this pandemic—but she has to do it to survive.
“The only person who can take care of your well-being is you,” she says. Dr. Nicol has figured out that it is important not to invite debate around your no and not to give into questions or excuses. In the end, she has realized that no is a complete sentence, and it can actually lead to more opportunities later. “Saying no is really about what you’re saying yes to,” she says. “Being able to do my job more effectively, and with joy? Yes. Please.”
6. Designate time that’s specifically for winding down.
Many of the therapists I spoke to told me about carving out time to decompress by themselves after a hard day of work. Allyson Dinneen, a marriage and family therapist and author of Notes From Your Therapist, explains she will often stop at a coffee shop, get a latte and a snack, and just watch the world around her without engaging in it. “A half hour in my own bubble does wonders for me,” she tells SELF.
Drew Ramsey, M.D., an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University and author of Eat to Beat Depression and Anxiety, decompresses with time in nature. “My world went fully digital, and I find the expanse of nature is such a great contrast,” he says.
Your solo self-care time can be filled with whatever you need at that moment. To destress, Justin Bennett, LCSW, program director at St. Louis Forensic Treatment Center and an adjunct instructor at the University of Missouri, St. Louis, spends time with his dogs and watches comedies on television, purposefully avoiding dramas because the world behind his office doors is too heavy.
Chase T. M. Anderson, M.D., M.S., child and adolescent fellow in the UCSF Department of Psychiatry, turns to writing after a hard day, in part to process and in part to help others. “When I write, it is not only cathartic, but it helps me to articulate my thoughts,” he says. “Writing helps me transmute the pain, the nightmares that I hear during work, and turn that into pieces that will hopefully one day help others not feel that sort of way ever again.”
You might even benefit from a nightly calm-down ritual, as is the case for Alfiee Breland-Noble, Ph.D., a psychologist and founder of the mental health nonprofit The AAKOMA Project. When she finishes work late in the evening, she actively avoids her devices, opting for quiet reflection instead. “I seek out a quiet place in my home, frequently my office daybed or my yoga mat, and I just sit in complete silence, letting all of the challenges and stress of the day float away from me,” she says. “Then I put my hands together in [yoga’s Anjali Mudra pose], bow, and say ‘Namaste’ to the space around me to extend my thanks for allowing me to decompress.”
7. Turn to your support system (even if it’s virtual).
We’ve all seen how key community has been during the pandemic. For therapists, this can include turning to other therapist friends for support, as well as friends and family outside of the mental health community. Dr. Gordon says that she tries to think about what she needs in the moment before she contacts a friend. If she needs to process or clarify her feelings, she calls a friend from the mental health field, but if she wants a change of topic or a lift to her spirits, she contacts someone outside of work.
Bennett also emphasizes the power of a support system. “That connection helped me to remember that I wasn’t alone in what could have been one of the most isolating periods in my lifetime,” he says. “It helped restore a sense of normalcy, and it helped to reprioritize investing in me and the people I love and admire.”
Ayana Jordan, M.D. Ph.D., an assistant professor and addiction psychiatrist at the Yale University School of Medicine, tells SELF that, as a Black woman with multiple marginalized identities in academia and mental health, she “found that reframing self-care as an act of self-preservation, in the spirit of Audre Lorde, is indeed political warfare.” For her that has included regular virtual attendance at church every Sunday, regular Zoom brunches with her Delta Sigma Theta sorority sisters from college, FaceTime with her nieces and nephew, and group chatting with her closest friends. She also hosts Black Trivia Night, an all-virtual trivia with live DJs.
8. Move your body in whatever ways bring you joy.
Many of the therapists I spoke to exercise to help themselves cope. For Amalia Londono Tobon, M.D., a perinatal and child psychiatrist, that includes a long walk with her dog after work, made less stressful by going right when she gets home, having the route already planned, and having a playlist ahead of time. She also really likes Zumba as a way to cope, sometimes returning to the same video she knows she likes so she does not have to spend time searching for that either.
For Sue Varma, M.D., clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at NYU Langone, “exercise is non-negotiable.” She finds a way to walk in the morning before sessions, hike in nature or the woods with her family, or practice yoga using YouTube. In addition, she adds, “Peloton saved me.”
9. Practice being present throughout your day.
Emotionally heavy work like therapy can often pull you from being focused on the present. Many therapists told me they’ve made it a point to prioritize being present in their nonwork lives. Dr. Miller says, “It helps me to not think about the emails that are waiting on my response—the calls or texts I missed. I consciously try to immerse myself into the experience in front of me and, you know what, it helps. Not only am I better at what I am doing, [but] my work gets better as I can return to it with fresh eyes.”
Kathryn Esquer, Psy.D., founder of the Teletherapist Network, makes it a point to disconnect from all electronics for two hours at the end of the day when she feels overwhelmed. “This helps me clear my head and focus on the present moment as I transition to mom mode and play with my little ones,” she says. Similarly, Dr. Varma tells SELF she unplugged from social media for 10 days and felt it helped her significantly.
Scents can also be particularly easy and useful to ground you in a particular setting or mood. To decompress before academic meetings (which she knows will have unpleasantries and differences of opinion), Dr. Breland-Noble lights a candle and turns on her diffuser. “The scents, either lavender or rosemary, bring me peace and ground me so I can keep my head and peace about me in the meetings.”
10. Get lost in someone else’s words.
Sometimes when you don’t have the right words for comfort, other people’s words can be helpful. Joan Cook, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and a professor at the Department of Psychiatry in the Yale School of Medicine, tells SELF that she reads memoirs to ground herself. “I can easily get lost, in a good way, in another person’s story. Listening to some else’s experiences, world views, and life lessons has been eye-opening,” she says. “I’ve found encouragement, comfort, and inspiration this way. I can be in a really sour space or filled with dread, and when I pick a memoir, I’m almost instantly soothed.” Some of her recent favorites include Heart of Fire, Speak, Okinawa, and The Sergeant’s Daughter.
11. Give in to the power of music.
There’s this recurring bit in Grey’s Anatomy where Meredith and Cristina always dance when they have hard days. As it turns out, so do many therapists.
“When I finish up my workday, whether it’s in my work-from-home office or on my drive home, I turn on my favorite song and have a dance break,” says Brown. “I know it sounds silly, but trust me on this one: Getting a boost of serotonin by simply listening to your favorite tune and shaking out stress through a little two-step really helps wind down the day.”
For Sheritta Strong, M.D., assistant professor of psychiatry and diversity officer at the University of Nebraska, music “soothes the soul, whether it is dancing or singing.” She used to karaoke with ’80s or ’90s songs pre-pandemic, and now she has a trampoline in her basement where she jumps to beats ranging from Tupac to gospel music.
Kaz Nelson, M.D., psychiatrist, podcast host, and associate professor at the University of Minnesota Medical School, tells SELF that intentionally choosing music that matches her mood helps her process after work. “I choose one song and listen to it on repeat for as long as it takes for my brain to process the emotions I am experiencing. This could be up to 100 times depending on the situation. I stop when I get sick of listening because that’s my cue that the emotion has been processed,” she says. “The closer the music matches my emotions, the more effective the approach.”
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